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i'm not scared to say that i do think that i, based on my own moral compass, am definitely more upright than a lot of people i know, at least in terms of sincere political consciousness and identity. accuse me of solipsism in this regard, but i can only consider such accusation as ironic when this consciousness is held up by a stronghold of caring for other others, for the disenfranchised and dispossessed. every person working towards a political science degree would know that the the whole point of politics is the organization and clamoring together of people to reach a common good. i took up international relations as a major because of this exactly — but blown to a much larger, global scale. this is not to say i'm striving to be a diplomat or anything of the sort, working towards world peace. the bureaucracy of the international order is overwhelmingly liberal and makes it near impossible to enact real change, but i do want to take what i learn to analyze more of the macro level of politics, with a particular glance towards postcolonialist/constructivist perspectives.
i remember when i was in middle school we had to do monthly flag ceremonies, or upacara bendera, to salute our flag and pay respects to our national heroes who liberated us from colonial. i remember saying to my friend, oh how i felt so alien in my own motherland, oh how i knew even then the government is built on disgusting corruption, oh how i knew our country felt so ireedeemably broken and far removed from what it was built on. but i cant help but be moved to tears by our anthem, how even in the midst of all the people i thought of as phonies and bullies, i cant help but feel so united and one with everyone in that viridian field, and to my own disgust at the time, proud to be an indonesian. i do recognize now that the pride ive felt lingers to this day. i am indeed proud to be born and raised to be this country, to be part of a beautiful national identity (in part to replace my lack of a regional one--being born and raised in the metropolitan and westernized capital, which resulted in my cultural alienation in the first place) quite literally built on anti-colonialism and anti-imperialism and how i'm more than glad to be here. i'm still a little bit stunned at how clearly i can recall the feeling that monday morning, how i was able to articulate it to my now ex-friend who couldn't understand. there, at 11 years old, my roots to this country i call home grew stronger, deeper.
this at first moral, later political, instinct has somehow been embedded deep in me ever since i could remember. i cannot give credit to my parents — largely apolitical and indifferent to arts (diametrically opposed to myself) — for this, but once again i can thank the internet which shaped so much of Me. first, it was realizing i was at least some form of queer in 4th grade together with my best friend, later on it was all those run-of-the-mill feminist infographics in 2016, calling against anti-racism in the states, issues so far removed from where i was in jakarta, indonesia, but it instilled a hunger for justice in me nonetheless. the alienation from my surroundings here was clear. i was a lonely kid, sheltered, i didn't have a whit's worth of understanding of my immediate surroundings, so i clawed for what i could out there, beyond what i could even fathom. books of world history, of ancient mythology too of course, the days in the library, me and my father's hunt for a copy of the diary of anne frank at the scholastic fair. what especially fascinated me was world war ii, but far unlike my bespectacled classmates and their obsessions with warfare and military strategy. it was the stories of survivors for me. the grim pictures painted in art spiegelmann's maus, of the commonfolk under wartime, of the danish girls having to hide their jewish best friends under floorboards, of the french women shaved bald and painted swastikas for sleeping with german soldiers, of the beating heart that stays strong in the midst of genocide and hardship. it stuck with me so much i'd play with my teddy bears after school crafting these scenarios of unshakeable integrity and faith and hope.
the focus for current and world (unfortunately us-centric) politics grew further the deeper i got into the internet rabbithole. i was filled with so much naïveté, a little incredulous, the tricky waters of internet circles (all older, obviously--if i couldnt make friends with my own peers why not go beyond them? i was so much more mature, so much more grown) navigated and guided where my politics grew. i was speaking up in math class about tamir rice in the 6th grade, arguing with leafy edgelords about the trump election, adding they pronouns to my profiles, bawling over sufjan and frank in between.... of course no one liked an sjw, of course people made fun of me, of course everyone thought i was an uptight self righteous insolent kid, of course people would say slurs in my face to make me mad and laugh at my face, but i truly didn't give a shit. even in the small circles of primary and middle school compared to the rest of the world, these were my first encounters with the kind of assholes that would later grow up to be policymakers and businessmen and parliament leaders and i knew it then and i knew it now. i felt a deserved righteousness, for i knew i was exempt from any sense of moral or political failings that seemed to trigger the cancellations and breakups and removal from power that dominoes with every periodical reckoning.
yet, it was this piety to my own beliefs that made me oh so unbearably lonely. i cant seem to underline enough how much i felt like no one cared as much as i do, how i felt insane when i'm the only one speaking and being brave enough to call out the bullshit. my own self-righteousness led me here too it made me cynical, judgemental, a terrible friend. it shocks me when i've had friends say they can't stand having to constantly live up to my standards and how they're sick of being endlessly wrong in my eyes and how its a close loop of them trying to impress me. and i shock them in return when i say for as much shit i talk, i find it hard to believe when people care or take me seriously, it's why i'm so shameless, i believed my words have weight but i did not believe that i, as a person, do. it's a reverse on dogville (2003)'s spiel on arrogance--nicole kidman's grace is accused of arrogance for her willing to punish herself, of her relentlessly forgiving nature, but her refusal to do to the same to others. i hold the same preconceived notion she does, "that nobody can possibly attain the same high ethical standards" as i do, only i do not exonerate them, i indict them for it. this realization scared me — in my own quest for total virtuosity, i've lost my own principles on caring for others above all, at the very least the people around me.
its the paradox we have to reckon with, of caring for others in the depraved state of the world. the perfection i yearned for was not possible, adorno in his glorious nihilistic fashion was unfortunately right to be pessimistic when he said a wrong life cannot be lived rightly. it goes beyond me and the people i hold dear, it's the very structure the world began and was built upon that doomed us from the start. when i reflect on this, i can't help but feel so much of this is also due to the juvenile hope i clung to so proudly. it's sobering to know i'm not alone in this, it's pretty much a well-documented feature of adolescence, at least in all the holden caulfields and lisa cohens of the world. we think we're the only people in the world who care, not because we care more than others, but because it's the first time we've cared. only under the more extraordinary circumstances does this hopeful spirit stay on up until adulthood, oftentimes nurtured by hurt and pain. call me naïve once again, but i do believe it could be nurtured by love, by collective action. it's with this and guidance from those who came before are we able to come forth radical and revolutionary change. i refuse to be complacent, i refuse to be held to the expectations of indifference, i refuse to fall into the traps of total nihilism when it's what the world wants from us. lynne segal's treaty on radical happiness as a liberating tool sparked this new discovery, which i think is the only logical next step of the genealogy of my beliefs as a whole... a worthy red pin of the path of my politics thus far.
